Humor in Muslim Heritage?

March 14, 2015March 14, 2015 by Corbin ♥ 3 Comments

Written by Theresa Corbin

Did you hear the one about the Priest, the Rabbi, and the Imam who walked in to a bar?

Of course not! Imams don’t drink.

Bad jokes aside, most of the non-Muslim world imagines that Muslims live humorless and austere lives, never even cracking a smile.

Talk of Muslim scholars hearkens images of severe men in ivory towers handing down fatwas to a world they know nothing about – and admittedly and unfortunately sometimes this is true, but it is very far from the majority.

I hear it all the time. Every time I crack wise or show the lighter side of my personality, non-Muslims who happen to be in ear shot are always shocked and make it known that they didn’t expect me to be … gasp … funny!?

Confusion ensues, and I am written off as an anomaly. But this is so far from the truth it is not even … um, well … funny.

The Muslims have a long and hilarious history replete with a smiling and joking Prophet (peace be upon him), prankster companions, Caliphs who knew how to laugh at themselves, jokesters throughout the ages and even a long lost joke book written by revered scholar.

A Smiling Prophet

Think of a Prophet, any Prophet. What comes to mind?

For most people, recalling a Prophet is to think of a man suffering in rags, living a sad and hard life.

To the Muslim, a Prophet is someone who is serious when the occasion calls for it, but is good natured and often found smiling. The Prophet Muhammad is often called the smiling prophet and many anecdotes of his joyful and smiling disposition are quoted in hadith.

One such hadith, Abdullah ibn Haarith said:

“I never came across a person who smiled as much as Prophet Muhammad. Prophet Muhammad regarded smiling to a brother as an act of charity.” (At-Tirmidhi, 3641)

"trainers" is the brits' funny way of saying sneakers. — “trainers” is the brits’ funny way of saying sneakers.

He Could Make a Joke

Several instances can be found in the sunnah where the Prophet (peace be upon him) is cracking jokes with his companions and family.

“Once, an old woman came up to him [the Prophet] and asked for paradise. He said:

“Old women do not enter the paradise.”

The woman started crying. As she started leaving the room, the Prophet, showing his subtle sense of humor, stopped her and said:

“Old women will become young before entering the heaven.” (Shama’il Muhammadiya, 230)

He Could Take a Joke

Not only could he dish it out, but he could also take it.

Once a companion of the Prophet named Nuayman (who was a known prankster-may Allah be pleased with him) went to the market and saw some food being sold which appeared to be delicious.

He had some of it sent to the Prophet Muhammad as if it were a gift. The Prophet was happy to receive the lovely gift of food and he and his family ate it. The seller of the food then came to Nuayman to collect the money and Nuayman said to him:

“Go to the Messenger of God it was for him. He and his family ate it.” The seller went to the Prophet asking for the price of the food. The Prophet in turn asked Nuayman:

“Didn’t you give it to me?”

“Yes,” said Nuayman.

“I thought you would like it and I wanted you to eat some of it so I had it presented to you. But I don’t have any dirhams [an increment of money] to pay the seller. So, pay, O Messenger of God!”

The Prophet had a good laugh and so did his companions. The laugh was at his expense, literally, because he had to pay for the unsolicited “gift”.

niqab = face veil naqabi = strong and brave woman who wears face veil. — niqab = face veil
naqabi = strong and brave woman who wears face veil.

His Companions Knew How to Laugh Too

The companions followed suit and didn’t take themselves too seriously. During the caliphate of Uthman after the Prophet’s death, a group of companions were sitting in the mosque. They saw Makhramah ibn Nawfal, who was by this time old and senile.

Makhramah got up to relieve himself and because of his blindness might have done so in the mosque. Nuayman (at it again) got up and went to take him to another place.

Little did Makhramah know, Nuayman had not guided him to the proper place but guided him to relieve himself in a place that was still in the mosque!

People shouted at Makhramah. The poor old man was distressed and said:

“Who has done this?” The people told him it was “An-Nuayman ibn Amr”.

The old man swore and announced that he would knock Nuayman on the head with his stick.

Nuayman left and returned. He was scheming again. He saw Uthman, the leader of the Muslims, performing prayer in the mosque. Nuayman also saw Makhramah. He went up to Makhramah, changed his voice, and said:

“Do you want to get at Nuayman?”

The old man shouted:

“Yes, where is he?”

Nuayman took him by the hand and led him to the place where the Caliph, Uthman, stood and said to him:

“Here he is!”

The old man raised his staff and beat Uthman. Blood flowed and the people shouted:

“It’s the Amir al-Muminin [meaning Uthman]!”

In spite of the blows he had suffered, Uthman was still able to laugh at the deeds of Nuayman.

He can do it. He's just goota be able to stand on his own first and know more Quran than everyone esle. Shouldn't be hard. — He can do it. He’s just gotta be able to stand on his own first and know more Quran than everyone else. Shouldn’t be hard.

Humor of Later Generations

This jovial tradition and pranking doesn’t end with the Prophet or his companions.

Tales are told of a hilarious man named Juha who lived in the 8th. century. Juha was a Muslim and a comedic figure who was famous for his hundreds of stories that still remain popular in the Middle East.

One of Juha’s stories is about him being flawed. He is caught lying and jokes about it:

“A neighbor came to Juha and said:

‘Lend me your donkey, for suddenly I find I have to go on a journey.’

Juha, who did not wish to lend the man his donkey, replied:

‘I would willingly lend it to you, but alas, I sold it yesterday’.

Just then, the donkey, which was in the stable, began to bray in a deafening manner. The neighbor jumped.

‘But your donkey is in the stable,’ he remonstrated. Juha replied angrily:

‘You fool, would you take the word of an ass against mine?'” (Source)

In the 11th. century, a revered Baghdad Muslim scholar known as al-Khatib al-Baghdadi penned a wisecracking guide for party crashers.

“The tome was originally authored by […] a well known scholar of the Prophet Muhammad’s teachings. According to Emily Selove of the University of Manchester, who did the translation, he wrote the book to remind readers ‘that every serious minded person needs to take a break.’” (Source)

Today Muslim scholars follow in this tradition and joke in lecture and on Twitter and Facebook. Muslims around the world laugh along and add to the good natured joshing.

If you want to see more comedy from the Muslims check out Baba Ali’s website, check out some of islamwich’s lighter posts, and/or (very highly recommended) plan a trip to Memphis, TN for the Muslims In-Memphis’ Kosher and Halal comedy night on March 21.

Stay tuned for next week’s post where I tell you all about my adventures, interviews, and talks in Memphis!

Do you got jokes? Share them in the comments.

Follow us (upper right of the page), email us (islamwich@yahoo.com), like our face with your face on Facebook, like the post, share it, pin it, comment on it, and/or do whatever social media magic it is that you prefer. Find out more about us in the understandably named “About Us” page and browse other posts in our “Table of Contents”.

Missing Muhammad

February 13, 2015February 16, 2015 by Corbin ♥ 11 Comments

missing muhammad I have been walking around the past few days in a serious funk, wondering what was bringing me down. I had been attributing it to the news.

I woke up Wednesday to the news of 3 beautiful, intelligent, young Muslims murdered in their home by an Anti-theist who hypocritically claimed religion is the source of violence and hatred in the world.

On Thursday, I researched a case of a mosque burning in Ohio in 2012 where the criminal who set the blaze claimed he never met a Muslim and did not know what Islam was beyond what he heard on Fox News and talk radio.

Then I came upon a story where a women murdered a fellow human being by pushing him in front of an oncoming subway because, as she said, “I pushed a Muslim off the train tracks because I hate Hindus and Muslims ever since 2001 when they put down the twin towers I’ve been beating them up.” Her conflating of the two vastly different faiths shows her obvious ignorance.

does this look like religious freedom to you?

Just this morning, I read news of an Islamic community and education center in Houston, TX that has burned down (it is not known yet if this was an accident or a hate crime). And I read about the murder of a 15 year old Muslim in Kansas at the hands of a man who harassed and taunted him for his faith.

I read several posts in my Facebook news feed over the past few days of Muslim women being insulted and harassed.

These crimes against humanity lay at the feet of Muslim Extremists, White supremacists, Christian Extremists, Fox News Talking heads, Talk radio bigots, Islamophobes, Anti-theists, and anyone who spreads hate and cheers in the face of lost lives and violence. It is my hope that these crimes will make them lose sleep and in the process lose their insane ideologies.

It is a distinctly sinking and sickening feeling to know that people hate you, want to see you suffer, want to kill you … people who don’t even know you. It is horrifying knowing that the media and well-organized and well-funded groups are implicit in twisting my religion and spreading lies to create this hatred of me and my people. It is most terrifying knowing that some weak-minded and uneducated Muslims play into this twisting of Islam and perpetuate these lies!

But still, this was not entirely the source of my melancholy.

Media lies and dehumanization of Muslims is nothing new. Islamophobes and their dark hearts have campaigned to distort my faith and defame me, my brothers, and sisters since the 7th century. Muslim ignorance and intolerance has been rife since Muslim majority lands have been torn apart, colonized, and continually destabilized by Western powers. And I have lived knowing these facts for more than 13 years.

However, the funk I was in took a different shape when I watched a lecture on YouTube by Nouman Ali Khan, a bright scholar of Quran and the Arabic language. While watching his lecture, I realized that nothing that will happen to the Muslims will be worse than the death of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH-peace be upon him).

I realized I was mourning the loss of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), a man I knew so well, but had never met. Yes, I had been depressed because of the lost lives and fear my community is facing. But also because in this time of crisis we will never again have Muhammad (PBUH) to lead us with the ultimate wisdom and mercy he came with.

It was the guidance from God that I missed. It was the man God sent with a smile and a sense of humor that I missed. I missed urgently and deeply a man I had never met.

And now, as I write this, I realize that we have his legacy. We still have God’s guidance sent through Muhammad (PBUH). And we can pick up were he left off. We can do our best to do as Muhammad did.

(from an article I wrote for OnIslam.net)

We can be honest like him

He was known as Al-Sadiq (the Truthful) and Al-Amin (the Faithful) among all that knew him—even his enemies.

When the Qaiser of Rome received a letter from Muhammad (peace be upon him) inviting the Qaiser to Islam, he asked Abu Sufyan about Muhammad. Abu Sufyan, who at the time was a staunch opponent of Muhammad’s message, said:

“Muhammad is nobly born; is honest and truthful, and has never broken a pledge. He enjoins his followers to worship none but One God and to pray to Him alone. He preaches kindness, piety and, tolerance towards all. And his followers are on the increase.”

This man was so honest that even his enemies called him the honest and the truthful. We can be like this too.

We can be protective like him

Muhammad (peace be upon him) lost his father before he was born and his mother at an early age, an experience that left a lasting impression on him. Having been vulnerable at an early age, he advocated for the good treatment of those who are vulnerable in society. He would attend to the needs of the indigent and the widowed. He took care of the orphans, and recommend others to do the same.

The Prophet said:

“The one who looks after and works for a widow and for a poor person is like a warrior fighting for Allah’s cause.” (Al-Bukhari, 6006)

“The best house among the Muslims is one where an orphan is well treated, and the worst house among the Muslims is one where an orphan is badly treated.” (Ibn Majah, 3679)

We can be good to the widowed, orphaned, the homeless, and the helpless in society. Nothing is stopping us but our selves.

We can seek justice like he did

Muhammad was an advocate for blind justice. He said:

“Assist your Muslim brother, whether he be an oppressor or oppressed.”

And when a companion of the Prophet asked:

“But how shall we do it when he is an oppressor?”

Prophet Muhammad replied:

“Assisting an oppressor by forbidding and withholding him from oppression.” (Al-Bukhari, 2444)

Here is a man who told people to be loyal to justice first even if it means witnessing against your own self. We too can reignite this revolutionary thinking- and end bigotry, racism, sectarianism and so much more.

We can be honorable like him

Muhammad (PBUH) treated women with dignity and told his followers to do the same.

He never lifted a hand against a woman. He never lost his temper with a woman. He sought advice from women and advocated for women’s rights and their good treatment.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told his followers:

“Only an honorable man treats women with honor and integrity. Only a mean, deceitful, and dishonest man humiliates and insults them.”

Muhammad (PBUH) left an example to men and women alike. He emphasized the need to respect each other as full and actualized human beings.

We can be patient like him

Muhammad (PBUH) told us “The strong person is not the good wrestler. Rather, the strong person is the one who controls himself when he is angry”. This is an inspiration. We can claim self-control for ourselves as the only true strength.

Through learning about the legacy of his behavior, teachings, compassion, strength, and mercy; I learned how amazing a human being could be.

I learned what it means to love and respect someone I would never meet in this life. And I missed Muhammad. I still miss him, but I seek comfort in knowing that I and my brothers and sisters can and do strive to live his legacy.

Quran 25:63 And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace.”

More Fears Western Muslims Face

January 30, 2015January 30, 2015 by Corbin ♥ 4 Comments

fears of w. Muslims header Written by Theresa Corbin

Last time we spoke about what Western Muslims fear, we all had a good laugh. Then many people added to the list. And I had to agree. The list of complexes and paranoias Western Muslims suffer from can go on and on for days. So I have wrangled up some more fears of the Western Muslim. Let the games begin!

7. The Opposite Sex Handshake Prospect

The prospect of being in a situation where the hand of the opposite sex it shoved in your direction makes many a Muslims’ palms sweaty. In the West, the hand shake is a sign of professionalism or even mutual respect.

The keen Muslim knows this and doesn’t want to offend the person attached to the hand. But at the same time s/he does not want to unlawfully touch someone of the opposite sex- Islamically speaking, you don’t touch those not closely related to you. It’s a respect thing.

So, many Western Muslims constantly sweat over what to do. How does one handle the fall out of refusing a hand shake? You don’t want to be know as the rude prude. On the other hand (pun intended), how does one handle (another pun intended- I could do this all day!) the fall out of feeling like s/he has sinned. You don’t want to be a bad example or a sell out. MuslimGirl.net offers some solid advice here.

awkward handshake

6. The Dog Saliva Vigilance

Some Muslims are afraid of dogs for no good reason- insert cultural hang up here. And then there are those Muslims who love dogs and think of them as their children- insert endless Facebook pics of pet here.

Somewhere in between these groups are Muslims who like dogs but know that their saliva is considered unclean (think about what the dog licks and you can understand why).

So when the Muslim who understands the nasty situation in dogs’ mouths meets a friendly, lick-happy dog, he comes to a crossroads. In order to pet and play with the cute pup, he/she will have to spend the whole time clocking the dog’s tongue’s location. The vigilance is tiresome. Why can’t dogs learn to keep their tongues to themselves?

googly eyed dog

5. Eavesdropping into Infamy Paranoia

This paranoia descends on a Muslim who is convinced the CIA or FBI is eavesdropping on her/his cell. So she/he fears the moment when she/he is on the phone talking to her/his mom, spouse, friend; forgets about the tap; and starts whining, singing, burping or what have you.

The fear is that the FBI (or whatever gov. agency is into wire taps these days) will take the opportunity to record the humiliating behaviour, auto-tune her/his voice to some preposterous song, and put it on YouTube. And there he/she will live in infamy.

this phone is tapped

4. Condemnation Reflex-Complex

This situation develops when the Muslim’s reflex to condemn anything and everything bad that happens becomes so strong that it resembles a type of Tourette’s. When s/he should just get the iCondemn app.

Condemn it

3. Alcohol-anoia

Here we have a relatively popular paranoia among Western Muslims. It resembles swine-o-phobia in that the Muslim is vigilant and at times paranoid about having any alcohol (for swine-o-phobia, it involves pork ingredient) in their food, drink, or oral hygiene products because … well … it does happen to be in all vanilla extract, some ice creams, non-stick cooking sprays, most mouth washes and toothpastes. I could go on.

This results in lingering in aisle at the grocery store, pouring over ingredients lists, studying different names of alcohol ingredients, and can even lead to badgering waiters about all the ingredients in the menu at any given restaurant.

running-from-alcohol

2. Beach awkwardness

This is an intense feeling of awkwardness that involves beaches, but can be extended to any body of water. It occurs when the average hijab wearing Muslim lady wants to go to the beach on any given gorgeous day. But she knows that she will be the center of curiosity for her modesty even though she is certainly not the most absurdly dressed person on the beach.

at the beach

1. Fox News

Do I really need to explain this one?

Faux news

islamwich’s 2014 in Review

December 27, 2014May 15, 2015 by Corbin ♥ 12 Comments

Written by Theresa Corbin

As we face the end of the Gregorian calender year, I find myself thinking it wasn’t enough time. Somehow this year was shorter than all the previous years. And those previous years were shorter than their predecessors, and so on in an ever shorter year-scape.

But mostly, I think that I just get slower as the years pass. Or lazier. It is hard to say which, and collecting the data to determine whether I am slower of just lazier seems like too much work.

So as a tribute to a year that has passed too quickly, let us remember with fondness some stuff that went down here on islamwich.

We made some new friends!

We collaborated with other bloggers.

a joke for those of us who survived the 90s.

We started discussing the serious stuff with our “Take Back Islam” series.

We raised money for good causes in Ramadan with our “Ramadan Giving” series.

We tried out bylines … But they annoyed everyone, so we 86’d them. YOLO!

We protested the assault on Gaza. And we continue to protest the occupation.

New Orleans stands with Palestine protest on Aug 1. Protestor holds her sign to show support.

We shared some recipes– and rewrote some to make them halal.

CNN brought a lot of traffic our way.

We demystified some Quran.

We tried our hand at humor. We complained about culture clash and promoted understanding. We wondered when we would ever get over our Pinterest addiction (never! why would we?). And we did so much more. But still, it seems as if we were short on time.

What’s to come in 2015?

Look for more guest posts- written by those with different perspective on the Muslim ‘merican experience.

Look for me, Corbin, on Bela Hodood (“without frontiers”) on Al-Jazeera in January.

Come on down South to the beautiful city of Memphis were I will be giving a speech entitled “An Open Invitation to Understanding Islam and the Muslims” in March. Update: too late! But you can watch it here.

Stay tuned for more of my serious series “Take Back Islam” and foolhardy attempts at comedy, more narratives from Siam, more fun and friendly lists from Lawrence, and more islamwich beautification from Elmasry.

A Lesson Learned from Omar

December 20, 2014December 27, 2014 by Corbin ♥ 22 Comments

Written by Theresa Corbin

It is a hard story for me to talk about for many reasons. It brings back bad memories and puts me and my family in a suspect light. But I know that people can benefit from the lesson of Omar Hammami’s journey and death.

It is a cautionary tale.

Many people try to paint him with broad strokes. The FBI called him one of their most wanted. CNN called him a Jihadist rapper. Fellow jihadis call him a hero: those were the same people that later killed him. He called himself Abu Mansoor al-Amriki.

To me, Omar Hammami was a kid. I met him when I was first introduced to my husband to be. In those days my husband, Omar, and a few other convert brothers travelled together in a pack. Omar, while one of the youngest pack members, was often the loudest and most energetic.

A scraggly-bearded teenager in thobes, Omar was a frequent guest in my home where he would chat for countless hours with my husband, share meal with us, and on occasion eagerly offer his help when we were in a bind. He was a good friend to my husband and me.

But in his experiences from Alabama to Somalia, Omar became the perfect mix of an impassioned, angry and frustrated young man.

Read the rest of my article at OnIslam.net to find out how Omar fell prey to radical ideals, joined a terrorist organization and was murdered by that same organization, and why it matters.

Annoying/Amazing Things about The Muslim Husband

November 21, 2014December 12, 2014 by Corbin ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Written by Theresa Corbin

Hey, fart faces (I use this term in the most loving way imaginable), I have been working on a very scientific study about marriage dynamics in an Islamic relationship (that mostly involves me thinking of stuff that goes on in my marriage and my cohorts’ marriages). And I have come up with a list of some aggravating and awesome things that come about when you marry a (religious) Muslim man.

Submitted for your approval, j/j submitted for my own amusement:

The Annoying Stuff

1. The Fart Fear

Ever since the first fart of the marriage-you can’t recall who broke the seal, but it happened, and all hell broke loose-you have a very distinct fear. It is irrational, but still haunts the Muslim wife Fajr to Isha (prayer times). It is the fear that his farting on you while on the couch or in the kitchen, or anywhere really, will extend to prayer times, since you stand directly behind him as he bends over and kneels, aiming his biological warfare directly at you.

It is irrational because prayer is probably the only time any Muslim man will do his best to keep it in the chamber. But still it is possible. And for that, many smart Muslim wives fear the fart and move their prayer rugs behind and to the side- out of mushroom cloud range.

2. Thinking Going to the Masjid is a “date”

You know the convo. You say: Honey, we haven’t been out in a while. What do you say we have a date night? Then he responds: We went out just last week. Remember? We went to the masjid for that awesome lecture. I don’t know about you, but I do not consider sitting in separate parts of a building, listening to a religious lecture, a date. But he does. How Romantic!

hey, honey! I wanted to tell you how romantic this date is! — Hey, Honey! I wanted to tell you how romantic this date is!

3. Finding Beard Hairs in Random Places

It is pretty gross to wake up and pour a delectable bowl of Fruit Loops only to find your man has been there. He has left one gross strand of face hair in your cereal bowl. The best part of waking up is NOT a beard hair in your cup (sung to the tune of the Folgers Coffee jingle).

Get your beard away from my cereal bowl!

4. Wudu Water EVERYWHERE!

Wudu or ablution is a big part of the Muslim man’s (and woman’s) life especially if he farts like I am pretty sure he does. He must be in a state of ritual purity to perform his 5 daily prayers (if one farts or goes potty, one has broken the state of purity and must make wudu). The problem is, come wudu time, he acts like he has been challenged by an ice bucket. And the bathroom counter, floor, and mirror bear the brunt of the water torture.

5. Perpetual Love Goggles

This is similar to beer goggles that leads a man to believe a woman is more beautiful than she is when the eye of the beholder has had “one too many”. In the case of the Muslim man, the phenomenon happens when a man follows the dictates of the Quran about not ogling women. Your Muslim man does not check out women or compare them to you.

This can result in him never noticing when you gain weight, break out, or generally look like a hot mess. He thinks that

it's a very professional look. — it’s a very professional look.

you are the most beautiful women at the end of the day when all he has looked at are (usually old and fat) dudes. The problem with this is that you really have no idea how you look and your sense of self worth becomes inflated. Not to mention how gross and mushy it is.

The Awesome Stuff

1. Perpetual Love Goggles

Your Muslim man does not check out women or compare them to you.

He thinks that you are the most beautiful women at the end of the day when all he has looked at are dudes. The inevitable result is that you really have no idea how you look and your sense of self worth becomes inflated!

2. He Smells Good

If women are the fairer sex, then men are the smellier sex. Don’t deny it. It’s science. But the great thing about a Muslim man is that he must wash his hands, arms, ears, feet, face and freshen his hair in order to pray. That wudu that left the bathroom looking like New Orleans after Katrina, has also left the Muslim man fresh and less smelly than the average bear. The Muslim man is also encouraged- as a religious tradition -to wear cologne, leaving your Muslim man smelling so fresh and so clean.

This can be dangerous if your man doesn't follow the sunnah. — This can be dangerous if your man doesn’t follow the sunnah.

3. He Puts Up with Your Hair in Everything

When you wear hijab, something interesting happens. All of your shedding has to happen at home (the hijab keeps it contained and builds up the shedding potential). Once the hijab is removed and the bun is unfurled, the games begin. Your hair, that would have fallen out where ever you go, ends up all over your home: in shoes, on pillows, clinging to clothing fresh out of the dryer, in the cat’s mouth …

But he doesn’t complain about it like you do about his beard hairs in your cereal bowl. He understands.

4. Having a Ride or Die Homie

Having a Muslim husband means that you have someone who you know has got your back, someone who will conspire evil midnight doughnut runs with you during Ramadan (or any time really), someone who will warn you of hidden pork at your favorite restaurant, someone who will call up the brothers to come down and take care of anyone who disrespects you, even if they do roll up on their tricycles.

5. Having a prayer buddy

It is nice to hang with someone who knows you schedule your life around prayer and not prayer around your life. This is especially useful in the winter months when days are short and prayers come in almost every other hour and you want to plan a matinee movie around prayer times. Or when you are travelling and one of you takes look out while the other pops out a few rakat.

Get the salat buddy coloring page here: http://www.edupics.com/coloring-page-ritual-prayer-salat-i22025.html — Get the salat buddy coloring page here.

Much respect to all the Muslim husbands out there who strive to be the best to their wives.

Follow us (upper right of the page), email us (islamwich@yahoo.com), like our face with your face on Facebook, like the post, share it, pin it, and/or do whatever social media magic it is that you prefer. Find out more about us in the understandably named “About Us” page and browse other posts in the “Table of Contents”.

The Most Misinterpreted Verses

October 31, 2014February 2, 2016 by Corbin ♥ 20 Comments

Written by Theresa Corbin

I often wonder if Islamophobes and Islamic extremists realize that they are just different sides of the same coin.

They both promote fear and hatred of large groups of diverse peoples. Both groups wish to sweep as many people up in their seriously dangerous causes. They both want war, and use any manner and means to get it, including promoting a distorted view of Islam. They take verses out of context and employ weak or questionable hadith (sayings, actions, or approvals of the Prophet) to reach their own political ends.

If I have one hope for society, it would be that these groups can go off and deal with each other and leave the rest of us, the majority of us, to live in peace and cooperation, free from their detrimental rabble-rousing. I hear that Antarctica is nice this time of year. Maybe they can snuggle up together for warmth and find some common ground in the fact that we are all human beings.

What follows is a sampling of Quranic verses reductionists and hate mongers love to take out of context. Now put back into context.

1. Qur’an 5:51—O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends; they are friends of each other; and whoever amongst you takes them for a friend, then surely he is one of them; surely Allah does not guide the unjust people.

In this verse, the words “Awliya”- plural- or “wali” – singular- has been (badly) translated as “friends” or “friend”; however, the more appropriate translation would be a “guardian, protector, or advocate”. Muslims are to be advocates and protectors for each other. And friends with everyone.

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was kind to the pagans of Mecca and fought them only when they fought him. He made treaties with the Jews of Madinah and honored the treaties until they broke them. He received the Christians of Najran with kindness in Madinah. They argued with him about Islam, but he treated them with honor and respect. 1

Some translate this verse to mean that Muslim should not take the Jews and the Christians for friends who are exclusively friends of each other at the exclusion and detriment of the Muslims, as is seen in Zionism and the Islamophobic lobby.

2. Qur’an 8:12— Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): “I am with you: give firmness to the Believers: I will instil terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers: smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them.”

This verse was revealed about the Battle of Badr. The pagans of Mecca travelled more than 200 miles to Madinah with an army of about 1000 to kill the Muslims who numbered around 300. The Prophet Muhammad and fellow Muslims had suffered severe persecution, torture and even murder of their brethren for 13 years in the city of Mecca at the hands of these very same pagans.

And once the Muslims had fled Mecca and found a sanctuary in the city of Madinah, they were followed by the pagans of Mecca. By this verse God gave the order to Muslims to fight to defend their lives and faith, as they had previously been forbidden from defending themselves. 2

Another verse in the same chapter (8:61) that is often overlooked states:

But if the enemy incline towards peace, you (also) incline towards peace, and trust in God: for He is One that hears and knows (all things).

Another oft-ignored verse is Qur’an 2:190:

Fight in the cause of Allah those who fight you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah does love not transgressors.

3. Qur’an 9:29—Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day, nor hold that forbidden which has been forbidden by Allah and His Messenger, nor acknowledge the Religion of Truth, from among the People of the Book, until they pay the Jizyah (tax) with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued.

4. Qur’an 9:73—O Prophet! strive hard against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them; and their abode is hell, and evil is the destination.

These verses are also historical in context. They are about the Battles of Mu’tah and Tabûk.

These verse were in reference to The Byzantine Empire instigating war against the Muslims. They murdered an ambassador of the Prophet (pbuh), who was carrying a message to the ruler of Busra. The Chosroe of Persia even ordered his commander in Yemen to kill the Prophet, and they mobilized their forces to fight the Prophet. The Muslims confronted them. 3 & 4

There are many people who throw hissy fits about the Jizyah (a tax on non-Muslims living under the protection of a Muslim authority), mentioned in 9:29, saying that it is discriminatory. But the truth is that Muslims are not exempt from taxes, they just go by a different term.

The tax collected from non-Muslims is only imposed on adult males. It exempts them from military service; affords them protection under the law; and freedom to practice their religion. And Muslim taxes go to welfare programs.

Also, in the same chapter (9) Verse 6 God tells the Muslims:

And if any one of the polytheists seeks your protection, then grant him protection so that he may hear the words of Allah. Then deliver him to his place of safety. That is because they are a people who do not know.

5. Qur’an 9:111—Surely Allah has bought of the believers their persons and their property for this, that they shall have the garden; they fight in Allah’s way, so they slay and are slain.

But they omit the rest of the verse:

[It is] a true promise [binding] upon Him in the Torah and the Gospel and the Qur’an. And who is truer to his covenant than Allah? So rejoice in your transaction which you have contracted. And it is that which is the great attainment.

Why would they leave off the part about this promise being found in the Torah and the Bible?

This verse again, is applicable to the Muslims during the time of the Prophet – historical Muslims – who were terrified of fighting in the battles to defend themselves because they were out numbered. 4.2

God bolstered their bravery by assuring them that they would be rewarded.

outnumbered and out- sworded — outnumbered and out-sworded

6. Qur’an 9:123—O you who believe! fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness; and know that Allah is with those who guard (against evil).

This verse is speaking about the hypocrites who were among the Muslims in the time of the Prophet (pbuh). The “unbelievers who are near you” were, in actuality, non-Muslims posing as Muslims who sought to corrupt the believing Muslims from within. The instruction was to fight them (here, “fight” means to resist the hypocrites’ skepticism, as we will see in the next verse) without preferential treatment for the social or economic standing. 5

The next verse (9:124) calls them what they really are:

And whenever a new chapter is revealed some of the hypocrites ask the believers (in jest): “Whose faith has increased because of this?” As for those who believe, it will certainly increase their faith, and they are joyful over that.

7. Qur’an 48:29—Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah, and those who are with him are severe against disbelievers, and merciful among themselves.

Once again the “disbelievers” in the verse refers to those who persecuted and attacked the Muslims. This is not a verse directing Muslim to just go out and just be awful to non-Muslims. 6

In fact there is a lot in the Quran and hadith collections that command Muslims to be compassionate and kind to all of God’s creation. One such hadith states: Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of all good. (Muslim, Abu Dawood)

It is also reported by Abu Dawood (a hadith collection) that the Prophet (pbuh) said, “Beware! Whoever is cruel and hard on a non-Muslim minority, or curtails their rights, or burdens them with more than they can bear, or takes anything from them against their free will; I (Prophet Muhammad) will complain against the person on the Day of Judgement.”

8. Qur’an 98:6—Verily, those who disbelieve from among the people of the Scripture and Al-Mushrikun will abide in the Fire of Hell. They are the worst of creatures.

One of the basic teachings of Islam is that God does not have a favorable opinion of those who knowingly deny His right to be worshiped alone (as He alone is responsible for our creation, our sustenance, and our judgement) and reject any of His messengers.

This is not to say that there will be conveyor belts for each religion, and we just jump on and go to either Heaven or Hell according to what we call ourselves. Each person will be judged based on their understanding of God’s message, as well as his or her capability and intentions to follow the path to God as best he or she could.

Muslims are not allowed to say that someone will go to hell just because they call themselves a Christian, Jew, or Polytheist. Muslims are not allowed to speak without knowledge. And each person’s destination in the Hereafter is known only to God.

It is interesting to note that some people of different faiths insist on telling everyone who does not go to their specific place of worship that they will certainly be going to Hell (knowledge they do not have). But when they see this verse, they are upset by it.

9. Qur’an 5:101-102—O ye who believe! Ask not questions about things which, if made plain to you, may cause you trouble. But if ye ask about things when the Qur’an is being revealed, they will be made plain to you, Allah will forgive those: for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing. Some people before you did ask such questions, and on that account lost their faith.

This is in reference to those who asked useless questions about revelation. If all their questions were answered, it would have made the duties of faith more specific and, therefore, more difficult to perform. There is mercy in leaving questions alone and specifics unspecified. 7

In Chapter 2 of the Qur’an, when the Children of Israel were told to slaughter a cow, they began to ask useless questions about what type of cow. All the questions were answered to the point that it became very difficult for them to find such a cow. If they had not asked, any cow would have been acceptable.

Useless, petty questions are just a stalling tactic; ask any mother or teacher. But asking honest, sincere questions to clarify matters of faith is, in fact, encouraged.

Every prophet faced people wanting to kill him and his followers. The Prophet Muhammad was no different in facing enemies. However, the Muslims were not only establishing a faith, they were establishing a nation. And because of this, the Muslims, after years of persecution in Mecca, were permitted to defend their lives, their faith, and their nation from attack. Just like any other person or nation has the right to do.

However, even in war, Islam demands that morals be upheld. Muslims are forbidden form killing children, women, the old, the infirm or any one who is not fighting against them. Even combatants have rights. (“I”SIS must have skipped this class) Rules of engagement here: http://www.islam101.com/rights…

There is a certain methodology to interpreting the Quran that God speaks about in the Quran itself (that Islamophobes and Extremists dismiss). The Quran, in several places, warns its reader about distorting its meaning, concealing parts of it, or using it for ones own personal/worldly/political gains. In these verses, God is warning Islamophobes and Extremist alike. Because, as we well know, distorting religious texts has disastrous effects.

Indeed, they who conceal what Allah has sent down of the Book and exchange it for a small price – those consume not into their bellies except the Fire. And Allah will not speak to them on the Day of Resurrection, nor will He purify them. And they will have a painful punishment. 2:174

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one slice muslim. one slice 'merican. and all that comes between.

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