Written by Theresa Corbin

Last time we spoke about what Western Muslims fear, we all had a good laugh. Then many people added to the list. And I had to agree. The list of complexes and paranoias Western Muslims suffer from can go on and on for days. So I have wrangled up some more fears of the Western Muslim. Let the games begin!

7. The Opposite Sex Handshake Prospect

The prospect of being in a situation where the hand of the opposite sex it shoved in your direction makes many a Muslims’ palms sweaty. In the West, the hand shake is a sign of professionalism or even mutual respect.

The keen Muslim knows this and doesn’t want to offend the person attached to the hand. But at the same time s/he does not want to unlawfully touch someone of the opposite sex- Islamically speaking, you don’t touch those not closely related to you. It’s a respect thing.

So, many Western Muslims constantly sweat over what to do. How does one handle the fall out of refusing a hand shake? You don’t want to be know as the rude prude. On the other hand (pun intended), how does one handle (another pun intended- I could do this all day!) the fall out of feeling like s/he has sinned. You don’t want to be a bad example or a sell out. MuslimGirl.net offers some solid advice here.

6. The Dog Saliva Vigilance

Some Muslims are afraid of dogs for no good reason- insert cultural hang up here. And then there are those Muslims who love dogs and think of them as their children- insert endless Facebook pics of pet here.

Somewhere in between these groups are Muslims who like dogs but know that their saliva is considered unclean (think about what the dog licks and you can understand why).

So when the Muslim who understands the nasty situation in dogs’ mouths meets a friendly, lick-happy dog, he comes to a crossroads. In order to pet and play with the cute pup, he/she will have to spend the whole time clocking the dog’s tongue’s location. The vigilance is tiresome. Why can’t dogs learn to keep their tongues to themselves?

5. Eavesdropping into Infamy Paranoia

This paranoia descends on a Muslim who is convinced the CIA or FBI is eavesdropping on her/his cell. So she/he fears the moment when she/he is on the phone talking to her/his mom, spouse, friend; forgets about the tap; and starts whining, singing, burping or what have you.

The fear is that the FBI (or whatever gov. agency is into wire taps these days) will take the opportunity to record the humiliating behaviour, auto-tune her/his voice to some preposterous song, and put it on YouTube. And there he/she will live in infamy.

4. Condemnation Reflex-Complex

This situation develops when the Muslim’s reflex to condemn anything and everything bad that happens becomes so strong that it resembles a type of Tourette’s. When s/he should just get the iCondemn app.

3. Alcohol-anoia

Here we have a relatively popular paranoia among Western Muslims. It resembles swine-o-phobia in that the Muslim is vigilant and at times paranoid about having any alcohol (for swine-o-phobia, it involves pork ingredient) in their food, drink, or oral hygiene products because … well … it does happen to be in all vanilla extract, some ice creams, non-stick cooking sprays, most mouth washes and toothpastes. I could go on.

This results in lingering in aisle at the grocery store, pouring over ingredients lists, studying different names of alcohol ingredients, and can even lead to badgering waiters about all the ingredients in the menu at any given restaurant.

2. Beach awkwardness

This is an intense feeling of awkwardness that involves beaches, but can be extended to any body of water. It occurs when the average hijab wearing Muslim lady wants to go to the beach on any given gorgeous day. But she knows that she will be the center of curiosity for her modesty even though she is certainly not the most absurdly dressed person on the beach.

1. Fox News

Do I really need to explain this one?

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