More Fears Western Muslims Face

More Fears Western Muslims Face

fears of w. Muslims header Written by Theresa Corbin

Last time we spoke about what Western Muslims fear, we all had a good laugh. Then many people added to the list. And I had to agree. The list of complexes and paranoias Western Muslims suffer from can go on and on for days. So I have wrangled up some more fears of the Western Muslim. Let the games begin!

7. The Opposite Sex Handshake Prospect

The prospect of being in a situation where the hand of the opposite sex it shoved in your direction makes many a Muslims’ palms sweaty. In the West, the hand shake is a sign of professionalism or even mutual respect.

The keen Muslim knows this and doesn’t want to offend the person attached to the hand. But at the same time s/he does not want to unlawfully touch someone of the opposite sex- Islamically speaking, you don’t touch those not closely related to you. It’s a respect thing.

So, many Western Muslims constantly sweat over what to do. How does one handle the fall out of refusing a hand shake? You don’t want to be know as the rude prude. On the other hand (pun intended), how does one handle (another pun intended- I could do this all day!) the fall out of feeling like s/he has sinned. You don’t want to be a bad example or a sell out. MuslimGirl.net offers some solid advice here.

awkward handshake

6. The Dog Saliva Vigilance

Some Muslims are afraid of dogs for no good reason- insert cultural hang up here. And then there are those Muslims who love dogs and think of them as their children- insert endless Facebook pics of pet here.

Somewhere in between these groups are Muslims who like dogs but know that their saliva is considered unclean (think about what the dog licks and you can understand why).

So when the Muslim who understands the nasty situation in dogs’ mouths meets a friendly, lick-happy dog, he comes to a crossroads. In order to pet and play with the cute pup, he/she will have to spend the whole time clocking the dog’s tongue’s location. The vigilance is tiresome. Why can’t dogs learn to keep their tongues to themselves?

googly eyed dog

5. Eavesdropping into Infamy Paranoia

This paranoia descends on a Muslim who is convinced the CIA or FBI is eavesdropping on her/his cell. So she/he fears the moment when she/he is on the phone talking to her/his mom, spouse, friend; forgets about the tap; and starts whining, singing, burping or what have you.

The fear is that the FBI (or whatever gov. agency is into wire taps these days) will take the opportunity to record the humiliating behaviour, auto-tune her/his voice to some preposterous song, and put it on YouTube. And there he/she will live in infamy.

this phone is tapped

4. Condemnation Reflex-Complex

This situation develops when the Muslim’s reflex to condemn anything and everything bad that happens becomes so strong that it resembles a type of Tourette’s. When s/he should just get the iCondemn app.

Condemn it

3. Alcohol-anoia

Here we have a relatively popular paranoia among Western Muslims. It resembles swine-o-phobia in that the Muslim is vigilant and at times paranoid about having any alcohol (for swine-o-phobia, it involves pork ingredient) in their food, drink, or oral hygiene products because … well … it does happen to be in all vanilla extract, some ice creams, non-stick cooking sprays, most mouth washes and toothpastes. I could go on.

This results in lingering in aisle at the grocery store, pouring over ingredients lists, studying different names of alcohol ingredients, and can even lead to badgering waiters about all the ingredients in the menu at any given restaurant.

running-from-alcohol

2. Beach awkwardness

This is an intense feeling of awkwardness that involves beaches, but can be extended to any body of water. It occurs when the average hijab wearing Muslim lady wants to go to the beach on any given gorgeous day. But she knows that she will be the center of curiosity for her modesty even though she is certainly not the most absurdly dressed person on the beach.

at the beach

1. Fox News

Do I really need to explain this one?

Faux news

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10 Fears Every Western Muslim Faces

10 Fears Every Western Muslim Faces

by Theresa Corbin

Let the count-down begin!

10. Swine-o-phobia:

The fear that pork is in everything. Can present in the middle of the grocery store or restaurant. The Muslim will start breaking out in a sweat, and find him/herself checking and re-checking the label or menu because he/she has started imagining that pork is in everything!! This paranoia is only made worse when the Muslim realizes pork is often hidden in soup, candy, vegetables, biscuits, lip gloss, gum …

... You start to feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Pork salad, pork medicine, pork natural flavoring, pork cheese ...
… You start to feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Pork salad, pork medicine, pork natural flavoring, pork cheese …

9. Forgot-a-fast-a-fright:

The fear of forgetting about one’s fast. It is often associated with Ramadan (the month of fasting) but can occur at other times of the year like Shawwal (the month when fasting is recommended). It is common among those who work too hard, are obsessive, and/or have ADD. It happens when the Muslim is fasting, distracted, and surrounded by fast food ads and/or people who are eating. The Muslim may start murmuring to him/herself, incoherently: No snack for you! (yes, a Seinfeld ref in this day and age. deal with it!)

ooops, I did it again ... forgot I was fasting.
ooops, I did it again … forgot I was fasting.

8. Foot-sink paranoia:

This is a fear of getting caught in a public bathroom with one’s foot in the sink while making wudu (ablution for prayer requires that the Muslim wash feet, hands, face, top of the head, ears, and arms up to and including the elbows). The Muslims will often dart his/her eyes around the restroom like a deer looking out for a predator before he/she puts his/her foot in the sink.   

wudu

7. Fake Expert-o-phobia:

The fear that Bridget Gabriel or someone of her ilk will run off at the mouth, again, about how Bismillah (meaning: In the Name of God, usually said before meals) is a war cry or some such ignorant nonsense. The Fake Expert-o-phobia keeps the Muslim up at night worrying if coworkers/friends/onlookers will flip out when said Muslim declares war on his/her meal with a little prayer of Bismillah. The Muslim will either hide from news programs that promote this kind of nonsense or obsess about it and watch it on replay to dissect and make fun of on social media or his/her blog … often with memes.

Hi, my name is Brigitte Gabriel. I only have a high school diploma but Fox News calls me an expert.
Hi, my name is Brigitte Gabriel. I only have a high school diploma but Fox News calls me an expert.

6. The Gifting Panic:

This panic presents itself most often in an office environment around the middle of December. The Muslim will do anything to avoid that awkward moment when he/she has to face the fact that he/she has not and will not get his/her coworkers anything for Xmas. The Muslim suffering from the gifting panic will avoid everyone and everything until the holiday is over. He/she may even go to such lengths as duct taping his/her office door shut, blocking cubicle entrance with a shower curtain, or developing a new telepathy technology. But the Muslim will still fear that someone, somewhere, somehow will sneak an Xmas gift in before vacation begins.

homemade gifts are always the BEST!
homemade gifts are always the BEST!

5. Prayer-anoia:

This fear is a lot like the foot-sink paranoia, but with greater concern for violated privacy. The phobia is an intense fear that a stranger will discover the Muslim’s secret prayer area at work/school/in the mall while he/she is using it. The Muslim will take great pains to make sure he/she is not discovered in a compromised prayer position (bending over or prostrating). Because of this, the Muslims may hurry through the prayer and have little focus, often stealing deer-like glances out the side of the eye to make sure no one is coming, as is done with the foot-sink paranoia.  

Untitled-1

4. The Creepy Smile Prospect:

This fear involves the Muslim who is identifiably Muslim – by beard, hijab, name, or kufi – having to smile his/her way through hostile environments. The Muslim will often start the day with an “I come in peace as the good will ambassador of Islam” smile. But he/she fears said smile will turn to a joker smile when forced to confront not so nice stares. The Muslim’s tangential fear is that the creepy smile will become permanent if he/she keeps his/her face like that for too long, like his/her mom always warned.

ma ma ma ma ma joker face
ma ma ma ma ma joker face

3. The Hijab Spill Trepidation:

This fear is often suffered by hijabis (women who cover their hair for modesty) who do not want/need any more people staring. It often presents after meals that were thoroughly enjoyed to the point that the hijabi did not realize what food was being splashed/dropped/smeared where. She will come out the other side of a meal constantly checking the front of her hijab for remnants of said meal. The fear is exacerbated by the fact that food will always find its way to a prominent place on the hijab.

food-saver-3,000
I’m saving it for later

2. Escalat-terror:

The inexplicable fear that the one’s loose clothing (skirt, thobe, abaya) will be ripped off in one fell swoop of the perpetual motion of an escalator, revealing the Muslim’s unsightly PJ’s. The Muslim will tip toe to the very middle of the steps and hold on tightly to the clothing articles that are most likely to be devoured by the hungry, escalator monster. The fear is only made worse by googling escalator + accidents.

escalator blues
escalator blues

1. Islamophobia-phobia:

This is the fear that the Muslim will be grouped together with international crime rings like ISIS or Al Qaeda and hated by all he/she meets. The phobia is often brought out when some “Islamic” group on the other side of the universe acts like a fool, and the Muslim is assumed to be like them or asked to answer for said groups crimes … to everyone … everywhere he/she goes.

there are nuts in every group.
there are nuts in every group.

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