Annoying/Amazing Things about The Muslim Husband

Annoying/Amazing Things about The Muslim Husband

Written by Theresa Corbin

Hey, fart faces (I use this term in the most loving way imaginable), I have been working on a very scientific study about marriage dynamics in an Islamic relationship (that mostly involves me thinking of stuff that goes on in my marriage and my cohorts’ marriages). And I have come up with a list of some aggravating and awesome things that come about when you marry a (religious) Muslim man.

Submitted for your approval, j/j submitted for my own amusement:

The Annoying Stuff

1. The Fart Fear

Ever since the first fart of the marriage-you can’t recall who broke the seal, but it happened, and all hell broke loose-you have a very distinct fear. It is irrational, but still haunts the Muslim wife Fajr to Isha (prayer times). It is the fear that his farting on you while on the couch or in the kitchen, or anywhere really, will extend to prayer times, since you stand directly behind him as he bends over and kneels, aiming his biological warfare directly at you.

It is irrational because prayer is probably the only time any Muslim man will do his best to keep it in the chamber. But still it is possible. And for that, many smart Muslim wives fear the fart and move their prayer rugs behind and to the side- out of mushroom cloud range.

salat

 2. Thinking Going to the Masjid is a “date”

You know the convo. You say: Honey, we haven’t been out in a while. What do you say we have a date night? Then he responds: We went out just last week. Remember? We went to the masjid for that awesome lecture.  I don’t know about you, but I do not consider sitting in separate parts of a building, listening to a religious lecture, a date. But he does. How Romantic!

hey, honey! I wanted to tell you how romantic this date is!
Hey, Honey! I wanted to tell you how romantic this date is!

3. Finding Beard Hairs in Random Places

It is pretty gross to wake up and pour a delectable bowl of Fruit Loops only to find your man has been there. He has left one gross strand of face hair in your cereal bowl. The best part of waking up is NOT a beard hair in your cup (sung to the tune of the Folgers Coffee jingle).

Get your beard away from my cereal bowl!
Get your beard away from my cereal bowl!

4. Wudu Water EVERYWHERE!

Wudu or ablution is a big part of the Muslim man’s (and woman’s) life especially if he farts like I am pretty sure he does. He must be in a state of ritual purity to perform his 5 daily prayers (if one farts or goes potty, one has broken the state of purity and must make wudu). The problem is, come wudu time, he acts like he has been challenged by an ice bucket. And the bathroom counter, floor, and mirror bear the brunt of the water torture.

Wudu is NOT the ice bucket challenge.
Wudu is NOT the ice bucket challenge.

5. Perpetual Love Goggles

This is similar to beer goggles that leads a man to believe a woman is more beautiful than she is when the eye of the beholder has had “one too many”. In the case of the Muslim man, the phenomenon happens when a man follows the dictates of the Quran about not ogling women. Your Muslim man does not check out women or compare them to you.

This can result in him never noticing when you gain weight, break out, or generally look like a hot mess. He thinks that

it's a very professional look.
it’s a very professional look.

you are the most beautiful women at the end of the day when all he has looked at are (usually old and fat) dudes. The problem with this is that you really have no idea how you look and your sense of self worth becomes inflated. Not to mention how gross and mushy it is.

The Awesome Stuff

1. Perpetual Love Goggles

Your Muslim man does not check out women or compare them to you.

He thinks that you are the most beautiful women at the end of the day when all he has looked at are dudes. The inevitable result is that you really have no idea how you look and your sense of self worth becomes inflated!

2. He Smells Good

If women are the fairer sex, then men are the smellier sex. Don’t deny it. It’s science. But the great thing about a Muslim man is that he must wash his hands, arms, ears, feet, face and freshen his hair in order to pray. That wudu that left the bathroom looking like New Orleans after Katrina, has also left the Muslim man fresh and less smelly than the average bear.  The Muslim man is also encouraged- as a religious tradition -to wear cologne, leaving your Muslim man smelling so fresh and so clean.

This can be dangerous if your man doesn't follow the sunnah.
This can be dangerous if your man doesn’t follow the sunnah.

3. He Puts Up with Your Hair in Everything

When you wear hijab, something interesting happens. All of your shedding has to happen at home (the hijab keeps it contained and builds up the shedding potential). Once the hijab is removed and the bun is unfurled, the games begin. Your hair, that would have fallen out where ever you go, ends up all over your home: in shoes, on pillows, clinging to clothing fresh out of the dryer, in the cat’s mouth …

But he doesn’t complain about it like you do about his beard hairs in your cereal bowl. He understands.

Let the hairy games begin!
Let the hairy games begin!

4. Having a Ride or Die Homie

Having a Muslim husband means that you have someone who you know has got your back, someone who will conspire evil midnight doughnut runs with you during Ramadan (or any time really), someone who will warn you of hidden pork at your favorite restaurant, someone who will call up the brothers to come down and take care of anyone who disrespects you, even if they do roll up on their tricycles.

ride_or_die_2751320502

 

5. Having a prayer buddy

It is nice to hang with someone who knows you schedule your life around prayer and not prayer around your life. This is especially useful in the winter months when days are short and prayers come in almost every other hour and you want to plan a matinee movie around prayer times. Or when you are travelling and one of you takes look out while the other pops out a few rakat.

Get the salat buddy coloring page here: http://www.edupics.com/coloring-page-ritual-prayer-salat-i22025.html
Get the salat buddy coloring page here.

Much respect to all the Muslim husbands out there who strive to be the best to their wives.

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10 Fears Every Western Muslim Faces

10 Fears Every Western Muslim Faces

by Theresa Corbin

Let the count-down begin!

10. Swine-o-phobia:

The fear that pork is in everything. Can present in the middle of the grocery store or restaurant. The Muslim will start breaking out in a sweat, and find him/herself checking and re-checking the label or menu because he/she has started imagining that pork is in everything!! This paranoia is only made worse when the Muslim realizes pork is often hidden in soup, candy, vegetables, biscuits, lip gloss, gum …

... You start to feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Pork salad, pork medicine, pork natural flavoring, pork cheese ...
… You start to feel like Bubba from Forrest Gump: Pork salad, pork medicine, pork natural flavoring, pork cheese …

9. Forgot-a-fast-a-fright:

The fear of forgetting about one’s fast. It is often associated with Ramadan (the month of fasting) but can occur at other times of the year like Shawwal (the month when fasting is recommended). It is common among those who work too hard, are obsessive, and/or have ADD. It happens when the Muslim is fasting, distracted, and surrounded by fast food ads and/or people who are eating. The Muslim may start murmuring to him/herself, incoherently: No snack for you! (yes, a Seinfeld ref in this day and age. deal with it!)

ooops, I did it again ... forgot I was fasting.
ooops, I did it again … forgot I was fasting.

8. Foot-sink paranoia:

This is a fear of getting caught in a public bathroom with one’s foot in the sink while making wudu (ablution for prayer requires that the Muslim wash feet, hands, face, top of the head, ears, and arms up to and including the elbows). The Muslims will often dart his/her eyes around the restroom like a deer looking out for a predator before he/she puts his/her foot in the sink.   

wudu

7. Fake Expert-o-phobia:

The fear that Bridget Gabriel or someone of her ilk will run off at the mouth, again, about how Bismillah (meaning: In the Name of God, usually said before meals) is a war cry or some such ignorant nonsense. The Fake Expert-o-phobia keeps the Muslim up at night worrying if coworkers/friends/onlookers will flip out when said Muslim declares war on his/her meal with a little prayer of Bismillah. The Muslim will either hide from news programs that promote this kind of nonsense or obsess about it and watch it on replay to dissect and make fun of on social media or his/her blog … often with memes.

Hi, my name is Brigitte Gabriel. I only have a high school diploma but Fox News calls me an expert.
Hi, my name is Brigitte Gabriel. I only have a high school diploma but Fox News calls me an expert.

6. The Gifting Panic:

This panic presents itself most often in an office environment around the middle of December. The Muslim will do anything to avoid that awkward moment when he/she has to face the fact that he/she has not and will not get his/her coworkers anything for Xmas. The Muslim suffering from the gifting panic will avoid everyone and everything until the holiday is over. He/she may even go to such lengths as duct taping his/her office door shut, blocking cubicle entrance with a shower curtain, or developing a new telepathy technology. But the Muslim will still fear that someone, somewhere, somehow will sneak an Xmas gift in before vacation begins.

homemade gifts are always the BEST!
homemade gifts are always the BEST!

5. Prayer-anoia:

This fear is a lot like the foot-sink paranoia, but with greater concern for violated privacy. The phobia is an intense fear that a stranger will discover the Muslim’s secret prayer area at work/school/in the mall while he/she is using it. The Muslim will take great pains to make sure he/she is not discovered in a compromised prayer position (bending over or prostrating). Because of this, the Muslims may hurry through the prayer and have little focus, often stealing deer-like glances out the side of the eye to make sure no one is coming, as is done with the foot-sink paranoia.  

Untitled-1

4. The Creepy Smile Prospect:

This fear involves the Muslim who is identifiably Muslim – by beard, hijab, name, or kufi – having to smile his/her way through hostile environments. The Muslim will often start the day with an “I come in peace as the good will ambassador of Islam” smile. But he/she fears said smile will turn to a joker smile when forced to confront not so nice stares. The Muslim’s tangential fear is that the creepy smile will become permanent if he/she keeps his/her face like that for too long, like his/her mom always warned.

ma ma ma ma ma joker face
ma ma ma ma ma joker face

3. The Hijab Spill Trepidation:

This fear is often suffered by hijabis (women who cover their hair for modesty) who do not want/need any more people staring. It often presents after meals that were thoroughly enjoyed to the point that the hijabi did not realize what food was being splashed/dropped/smeared where. She will come out the other side of a meal constantly checking the front of her hijab for remnants of said meal. The fear is exacerbated by the fact that food will always find its way to a prominent place on the hijab.

food-saver-3,000
I’m saving it for later

2. Escalat-terror:

The inexplicable fear that the one’s loose clothing (skirt, thobe, abaya) will be ripped off in one fell swoop of the perpetual motion of an escalator, revealing the Muslim’s unsightly PJ’s. The Muslim will tip toe to the very middle of the steps and hold on tightly to the clothing articles that are most likely to be devoured by the hungry, escalator monster. The fear is only made worse by googling escalator + accidents.

escalator blues
escalator blues

1. Islamophobia-phobia:

This is the fear that the Muslim will be grouped together with international crime rings like ISIS or Al Qaeda and hated by all he/she meets. The phobia is often brought out when some “Islamic” group on the other side of the universe acts like a fool, and the Muslim is assumed to be like them or asked to answer for said groups crimes … to everyone … everywhere he/she goes.

there are nuts in every group.
there are nuts in every group.

Follow us (upper right of the page), email us (islamwich@yahoo.com), like our face with your face on Facebook, like the post, share it, pin it, comment on it, and/or do whatever social media magic it is that you prefer. Find out more about us in the understandably named “About Us” page and browse other posts in our brand spanking new “Table of Contents”.