Written by Theresa Corbin
I recently wrote an article for aquila-style about the sexual rights of the Muslimah.
(The first few paragraphs are in a block quote below)
I wrote this article in reaction to what I found to be lacking in Islamic literature. As the article below recounts, literature enumerating the woman’s rights in a marriage and specifically regarding sex is hard to find.
But Allah did not forget about the female when it comes to giving her sexual rights, it is just that perhaps the scholars or the authors of Islamic literature that is readily available think it is not good for mass consumption??? I don’t know why a woman’s sexual rights within a marriage is kept under wraps while everyone can recount hadith specifying a man’s sexual rights in a marriage, I can only guess why this is.
If we are shy to talk about such things, we need to think about the greater implications.
Sisters, if we don’t know our rights in regards to intercourse (And I am not talking about the 18th century word for conversation ;)) then how will we be able to ask for them? How will we be able to go about being married and not feeling oppressed? Brothers, if you hide your head in the sand about your wive’s sexual rights, how will you know if you are failing in your duties? Imagine being in a marriage and a sexual relationship in which your partner continues to cause you pain and leaves the act before you have achieved pleasure (Not that this is always the case). And imagine living like this for years because neither you nor your partner understand what is due to you.If you look at it from male perspective it is fair to say that this is a form of oppression.
Then why don’t we look at it the same way for women? Is it because we think of women as a giver of pleasure and not a receiver? This is a narcissistic approach to love and intimacy. Oxymoron? Yup!
…Recently, I was walking through an Islamic bookstore and I came across an entire aisle of books with titles that enumerated the ways a woman is to be a good wife and all the rights her husband has over her.
Out of curiosity, I began looking for the section on a wife’s right over her husband. I knew it had to be somewhere. It was neither next to the section on women being dutiful wives, nor was it in the section about all the ways to go about getting married … it was nowhere.
To balance out all the books about being good wives was just one book entitled Winning the Heart of Your Wife, half of its 64 pages being a note from the publisher. While this book offered some good advice, it also left a lot to be desired …
Read the rest on Aquila Style. Then come back and read on.
If we look to the example of the Prophet (PBUH), we will find that he was gentle and playful with his wives. He offered them foreplay and never left them wanting.
Many of us know very little about the Islamic sexual rights of a woman and even fewer of us understand the anatomy and the reasons behind these rights.
So let me tell you how Allah has created the female (many sisters might not even know this about themselves).
So much thought and “honor” is put into the hymen. When very few people actually know anything at all about this part of the female anatomy. And if we have heard anything about it, it is only in terms of how it should “broken” (sexual violence much?). The hymen is not a layer of skin that covers the female sex organ that needs to be broken. It is layer of skin that surrounds the vagina, it stretches during foreplay and it even heals itself when torn.
It’s true that women may experience pain or bleeding the first time they have sex, but it’s not because of their hymens; more likely, they began having intercourse without proper foreplay to lubricate the vagina. And as it turns out, hymens tell you nothing about a woman’s sexual history. Not every woman is born with a hymen, and the shape and size of a hymen differs dramatically from woman to woman. Since the hymen doesn’t appear to serve any purpose, it may very well be vestigial. –howstuffworks.com
Hence the importance of foreplay. Bleeding caused by sexual intercourse does not always happen when the woman is a virgin. And conversely it can happen when a women isn’t a virgin. Bleeding during intercourse happens when the male has not provided enough foreplay and causes tearing and pain.
It is almost comical to think that an entire custom of proving virginity with bloody bed sheets is really just built around men being bad at sex. That is, it would be comical if it weren’t a great source of pain.
Not only is foreplay an Islamic duty and a deterrent to causing pain, it is also a path to mutually pleasurable intercourse.
While it is debated whether the husband is obligated to bring his wife to orgasm, the hadith I mentioned in the Aquila-Style article gives us a guideline. Imam Malik recounts that a man should not interrupt sexual relations with his wife until she is fulfilled, unless she has given her permission. This tells us that it is not for the man to decide when sex is finished. He must wait for her as best as he can (circumcision of the male helps prolong the sex act). Whether the wife reaches orgasm (nearly impossible if she has suffered female circumcision, but that is for another post) or is she is just done with the experience, it is up to the wife to say when the intimacy is over.
If a woman is promised that the sexual experience will be enjoyable and that she is in control of when it is over (her Islamic rights), she will be more inclined to want to participate. If husbands follow Islamic guidelines, they won’t be begging or manipulated their wife with a hadith of angles cursing them. Such manipulation is oppression when the husband demands his rights but is not fulfilling his rights to her. Both parties need to be sexually fulfilled.
Why can’t we be frank and about sexual rights of women within a marriage?
Why isn’t there more literature explaining what is due to the women in her marriage bed? It is so important to a happy and fulfilling marriage, a happy family and therefore a happy society that it seems criminal to not make the masses aware of these facts.
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Great article! Very informative….some I knew, some I didn’t. It is a source of issue for personal reasons – not against my hubby. Due to medical problems, I have trouble fulfilling this part of the bargain, but we work it out little by little. Alhumdulillah, I have a patient and understanding husband.
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Each relationship is different, and we have to work with each other. I am glad to hear you and your hubby have kindness and understanding between you especially with such delicate masters. Only doomed relationships are one-sided. And that is the point. It isn’t all about the husband and that deserves to be said and heard. The more we know the more we grow, right?
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Dr. Hyde of course has been thinking about the sensual desires of women since he was a wee little lad. I mean I always, I mean, he always thought that the measure of man is how successful he was at arousal of women. The male gender does not need much to get aroused for pleasure but the intricate art of the female orgasm is an elusive task talked by many, but mastered by few.
In all seriousness I really did wonder why would you not want your girl to be satisfied as much you would want to be. No doubt in Sharia the wives are equally entitled to reach sexual climax but unfortunately with the onslaught of pornography and the zigiest of whorish culture men often fall short of that.
And foreplay? That is what sex is about! For most the actual sexual penetrative orgasm may last a few seconds hence the play is the thing. Besides for most women it is during this act that they are aroused enough for the mount, and only shallow pathetic men would not participate in that.
Then there is also confidence and self esteem. Some men do not know much about female sexual pleasures and probably don’t know much about their own pleasures. A fellatio may be a get out of jail free card since it is a one way streak.
Then there is the participation of both the husband and wife. I have heard of bizarre stories of turning the light off or keep your clothes on! WTH?! With some de facto prohibitions, the bedroom should be open and inhibited albeit shyness and taciturn foreplay is another avenue of excitement.
Last but not least, there is an increasingly alarmingly round of sexually confused or sexually unsure men. They marry unknowingly thinking they will be getting wives in marriage with female body parts LOL!
I know this is a serious topic, and I hope in between my jestful remarks, I did convey the seriousness of the subject in hand.
(Likewise one can also highlight the faults of the wife too, like eschewing certain sexual practices that albeit maybe “foul pouty”, but are quite halal. All in all the wanderlust for that prefect synchronicity continues 🙂 )
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It is a mad mad world. With so many “men” (aka Players) out their trying to “get theirs” as much and as many times as possible with no regard for their partners in crime, I wonder why women even participate in this game at all. In a relationship, specifically in an Islamic relationship where each party follows the Islamic guidelines of love and intimacy, partners can learn what the other likes and enjoy each other, i.e. become like the garment for one another so they don’t have to be out chasing, creating drama, ruining lives and contracting diseases. In regards to the clothes and lights out comment, I have recently heard that some folks think that completely undressing is not even allowed in the shower!!! Talk about making the religion difficult.
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@Hyde
lol.. Well said Dr Hyde!
Would benefit all men to read your post 🙂
Strongly agree with you on all points. Such is the beauty of Islam, it highlights the importance of both male and female desires.
@Eve
I think it is rather taboo to talk openly about the subject in any muslim country. I agree fully if it’s done tastefully and in a halal setting – (men teaching men or women teaching women, husband/wife teaching each other, its a positive thing).
Some ladies (like myself) are quite shy in nature and find it difficult to speak about the subject openly. Not a case of being a prude or not knowing one’s rights. Rather the timid nature of someone holding them back from sharing thoughts about such a private topic. The art of intimacy cannot be complete if both parties needs are not fulfilled. Not only it is a natural desire. It heightens the bonds of a relationship and has many important benefits -mentally as well as physically. But indeed I believe its an integral part of marriage life, and to be enjoyed Equally, pleasure should be shared and not restricted to the males; thus the issue needs to be brought to the surface.
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I would have to say that I used to be one of those people who’s timid to talk about the topic (mostly fearful people will think I am just another American woman with loose morals-which is a harmful and largely untrue stereotype. Hollywood does not represent American women), until I realized so many women are not receiving their rights because they are never talked about. Thanks you for reading and commenting. Hope you will look around at some more or our posts, specifically the #TakeBackISlam ones. You might find them interesting. 🙂
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Nice post, Nice topics, Sister!. I think it’s hot topics.. lol ( just kidding ).In my country , talking about sex is a taboo subject . Many people feel embarrassed to discuss it , in the sense to know the right things about sex . Instead , most of them just make sex as joke material . When there really wanted to ask about sex, the marital relationship guidance , immediately people will say ,” it does not need to be discussed , if you are married , you will know for yourself what the sex” , It is true that there is a myth , about a virginity girl , if she had sex the first night , then the blood out of her vagina , then certainly he is actually a virgin . I also rarely find the correct sex education according to Islam , that there are even books porn , sex peeling vulgar , is not intended to provide sex education , but only gor fun. I find the article that you wrote actually give more benefits for us . Because sex did have fun both sides , and not dominated by men only . Thank you so much for the informations. In shaa Allah I’ll share this for all my friends.
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Assaamu aleikum sister and fellow bloggers,
Very well said! To be honest, it is people with their cultural baggage that make intimacy a tabou subject. There are a lot of literature on intimacy in Islam that is purposely being buried by people of the religion with a hidden agenda (their own pleasure and goal to marginalize women). I say and will ALWAYS say that our Prophet(sallallahu aleihi wassalam) and his sahabas (aleihi salam) were not afraid to talk about such subjects. If they did not, we will not have any guidance today. My writings tend to address intimacy but many people shy away from the subject out of wanting to play it ‘safe’. The way I see it is if I am not being tasteless in educating others, then ‘forget about about it’ it ;). Houb salam!
Papatia
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Wa’alaikumussalam warahmatullah wabarakatuh,, Yes, I strongly agree with your opinion. We shouldn’t shy to discuss about it, to get right information from Islam. Many of muslims make it so difficult to know it. salam
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So true on all points!
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Thank you sister Corbin. I will indeed take a look at them, you run a good blog here 🙂
Yes that is true, sometimes women with opinions in the bedroom can be looked at as having loose morals. Sad and really unjust. More than just “receiving” their rights, I cannot imagine the fun in a marriage where both partners cannot be open with each other about their desires, that would be a rather joyless marriage. Both are entitled to fulfil each other’s desires, who else will do that job for them.
🙂
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Precisely 🙂
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